My Brain Hurts.

                A little over a month without a post.  Four weeks  and life has been less than perfect, but I try and keep my head above the waterline just to push on through another long day.  Sometimes, I feel like I just need a vacation, an escape, something. I don’t know. My mind is frazzled these days….so much has happened in four weeks.

                So December 8^th, 2010 was my last post.  Bubbly and nerdy, showcasing my nerdy side and ability to draw comparisons between poorly made movies and video games.  I probably stopped writing because of finals.  I’m in my Junior year of college and you would think by now I would have acquired some sort of organizational skills and a sense of time.  Not this girl.  With two weeks left of semester I had three 10 page papers, 3 finals to study for, and class to still attend.  I still found it important to stay up until 4 am every day putzing around on the internet or staring blankly at a wall pondering life.  I took a break from school roughly two years ago and in that time I began to photograph things.  My blank wall staring moments are the times I weigh the pros and cons of staying in school and letting my creative outlets suffer. Sigh. One more year and I’ll be done, accomplished, graduated.  Anyway, the semester ended alright, good (not great) grades, but enough to keep me in my major and enough to keep me optimistic about the upcoming Spring semester.  I always do better in the Spring anyway, something to do with the sunlight and constant allergies I think.

                Continuing on…Christmas was great.  Few family arguments about pointless stuff like who is going to help do the dishes and why one person needs four pillows to lay on the floor.  Despite probably one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had, my family holiday was enjoyable.  My three old nephew never ceases to amaze me in all his ways of joy and happiness.  My extended family holiday was probably taken for granted by myself.  I enjoyed the time spent there, but left too quickly and probably should’ve taken at least one last picture.

                Four days after Christmas, my phone rang waking me from a deep sleep.  Groggy, I answered the phone.  Crying from the other end.  My father informed me that my uncle died the night before (hence the feeling of taking the holiday for granted).  I just remember saying, “what?” over and over.  I didn’t believe it, I didn’t want to believe it.  I hung up the phone and crumbled.  And I haven’t been able to pick up the pieces yet.  As we gathered at my other uncle’s house to form a game plan, I still didn’t want to believe it.  Even when we arrived at my late uncles house in Gile, WI I still expected to see him in his chair watching television, eating a bowl of popcorn.  The whole weekend had a feeling of fuzz, just moving through the motions.  Thank you here and there, for the people that stopped to share sympathies.  Every single thing has just felt like a motion, a repetitive programmed movement by myself.  I never thought, in a million years something would affect me like this, this way.  I miss my uncle so incredibly much and I think back to our last conversation in mid-December about how he was so proud of me and the shared stories about his younger years.  It’s things like that a person seriously takes for granted, because as cliché as it sounds, you never know when you’re going to lose someone close to you. 

                And, I’ve been incredibly sad.  I mean, everyone mourns in different ways and I understand that, I just wish mine wasn’t filled with random bouts of crying.  Oh well.  So much for 2011 already, so many thoughts.  My brain is a buzz, and I’m doing my best to get it out so it doesn’t get the best of me.  Sigh.  Rest in peace Uncle T.O.